Before I begin I would just like to give you a heads up that this is a much more personal entry then what I normally post. It wasn’t easy for me to make this public but I feel like God could use to help someone who may be going through something similar.

For a sometime now I’ve been really concerned that I couldn’t feel God the way I used to. There was a time in my life where I felt so full of his Holy Spirit I couldn’t stop smiling. But that time was short and satan knocked me down telling me it wasn’t real. And he’s been doing that a lot lately. I’ve really been trying to focus on and grow my relationship with God because I’m learning that he has to be enough for me before he can give me the things that I want like a boyfriend or a great group of friends or even my job back. And I felt like he would be enough for me if I could just feel him the way I used to feel him. If I could just see him in the little things like when I’d walk to class and admire the scenery. If I could hear him like I did when I was in church praying. I missed that and for the life of me could not figure out why or how I’d lost it.

Now the next line should probably be “turns out I didn’t lose it” but I think I’m going to take a different approach. I didn’t lose God or our relationship, but I did lose the closeness of our connection for a little while. The last few nights I’ve been begging God to manifest himself in me the way he did before. Before what? Before I got caught up in my sinful ways. Before the world stopped, before the corona virus. Before everything changed.

During those nights I knew God was there but I wasn’t getting the experience I was looking for. So I thought maybe God wanted me to experience him in a new way. And I think I kind of did. I was doing my devotional on my bible app and the author wrote about how sometimes we forget that God is Immanuel, meaning God with us. Meaning God with us all the time. He’s with us in the big stuff and the little stuff. Whether it’s washing dishes, doing homework, working out, he’s there. And reading that completely changed my perspective. I was trying so hard to experience God in this big supernatural way but I couldn’t even experience him in the small stuff.

I also learned that God is there in the times we mess up and don’t want anyone to see or know. When we’re doing what we know is wrong God is there, trying to get us to turn away from our sin. He sees the messy and the broken and the shameful parts of our life and is there through them all.

I realized in that moment that I have been trying to shield a dark part of my heart and life from God subconsciously. I didn’t know I was doing it, but I was. I’m ashamed of my past and my mistakes and felt like God would be disappointed if I let him into that part of my heart. I know he knew about it already and stuff but opening up to him about it was hard for me because it required me getting over my guilt and shame. Stay with me I know that part was a little confusing but what I’m trying to say is that God doesn’t care how broken or messed up we are. He wants to help us no matter what. It sounds cliche but I’ve found that many of the things we find to be cliche about God are actually really true and powerful. When I read that devotional I was comforted by the fact that God was there even when I was at my worst. He saw me screw up and he’ll see me do it again. He knew about our mistakes before we did and he wants to use them to bring us closer to him. When we feel ashamed and guilty and unworthy God is not up in heaven shaking his head thinking about how terrible we are. He’s waiting for us to come to him and let him heal us.

I can’t hide that part of my life from God because he already knows about it. But I also can’t hide it because the only way I’m going to get past it is to let God in and let him help me. And it sounds crazy but I feel like I was praying so hard those nights I couldn’t feel God because I wanted him to break down the wall I put around that section of my heart. But the minute I realized he was there and that he saw it all and isn’t mad or disappointed, that wall instantly fell and I felt God. Like really felt him.

That was a lot so let me sum it up a little for you. First, if you want to experience God in a big way you have to be able to experience him in a little way. And second, you don’t have to hide from God. He sees you at your worst and he loves you at your worst and when you realize and accept that, you’ll get that feeling you’ve been longing for. Here’s a final thought I’ll leave you with: whether you’re feeling ashamed, guilty, sad or hurt, the hardest seasons usually produce the biggest breakthroughs.

Thanks for reading!!

So if this ever gets published then I have taken a huge leap of something. I’m not sure you can call it faith because posting something for the whole world to see isn’t exactly an act of faith. Anyway, here it goes.

So today I accidentally sat next to my crush. The same guy I fell for all because he held the door. Now that I think about it, that was a stupid move. I mean can a guy who just happens to be super cute not hold the door for someone without it being a big deal? Maybe to him but something inside of me just wouldn’t let it not be a big deal. And then I exaggerated little things like eye contact or a friendly smile and it blew everything out of proportion. But of course I did not come to this conclusion until him and Instagram dropped a bomb on me. I had just added him as a friend and he added me back relatively quick. So of course I got all giddy and then I saw his post. Him and a girl in a bikini and captioned with something about how much he loves her. And I knew what it meant, but I didn’t want to believe it so I basically Instagram stalked him, looking at all his saved pics and posts and then it became obvious he was with someone else.

And that hurt. And the fact that it hurt made me mad. I realized this guy didn’t actually like me and probably didn’t even want to be my friend the way he didn’t try to talk to me after that. And of course the day after I realize I can never speak to the guy I like again because he has a girlfriend and I don’t want to interfere with that, we get put in a group together. Partners actually cause coincidentally, no one else showed up! Lovely. So then of course I’m forced to talk to him and I want so badly for him to be a jerk and to be able to call him one but I can’t. I can’t because he’s a really great guy. Ughhhhhh.

Today I sat down in a different chair in music because I got the seats confused and of course, I end up right next to you know who. That was definitely my fault though because he was also probably a little confused. I mean I ignore him half the time and then I’m sitting next to him. I’d be confused too. So the whole time I had to pretend he wasn’t there without making it obvious I was trying to pretend he wasn’t there. Great right? And I tried just relaxing and not making a big deal about it but there were literally empty seats on either side of us so it looked like we intentionally sat together! Talk about awkward! All I could think about was my hope that the teacher didn’t look at us and get the wrong idea because those seats were awfully close… but I couldn’t move seats because everyone knows the minute you do that the minute they realize something is up. And with my lack of ability to be discrete he probably would have figured out I liked him. And I do. And I hate that. I hate that he’s cute and nice and a Christian and overall a good guy because that’s all the more reason TO like him.

Today he saw that I was trying to leave and noticed he was in my way so what does he do? He very politely moves to the side gesturing with his arm that I can pass. What am I dude some kind of royalty???!!! Sorry. I am very grateful that he was so polite but it makes it so much harder to stop liking him. You know what the worst part is? I don’t want to stop liking him. Deep down some part of me still wants to have hope that maybe, just maybe something will happen. But that makes me a terrible person because it’s like saying I WANT him to break up with his girlfriend. I don’t want to be that girl! It’s like everything is great and me liking him isn’t an issue until I remember he’s taken. And she’s a lucky girl.

Go ahead. Call me boy crazy. I’m not gonna object. But it’s just one boy. And I don’t like that I like him because I always wanted to be that girl that was super chill and cool and didn’t go after boys just let them all come to her and didn’t care and blah blah blah but guess that’s just not me. But it’s natural. And I’m learning that it’s not bad. I mean God did create the whole attraction between males and females so it must be good in some ways. What I mean is me liking a boy is not bad, I just need to be careful i don’t let my flesh influence my actions and or decisions. God has the Mr. Perfect that is perfect for me somewhere out there and some day, I believe I’ll find him. Until then, I gotta keep working on finding a flaw in this Me. Perfects seemingly perfect character🤣🤣because let’s be honest, no one is really perfect.

2019 was a rough year, specifically for me. I went through a lot spiritually and was ready for a fresh start. I thought when the new year hit everything would be easy and much better. But no one expected what was coming in March of 2020.

Before I get into that, let me take you down the start of 2020 in a nutshell. January, great. February, not so great. I spent the entire month trying to reinvent myself I guess you could say and see myself the way God sees me. That mainly consisted of forgiving myself for not being perfect and gaining new confidence in myself. And when I finally reached that point, it seemed like the world immediately started crashing around me.

My dad got rushed to the ER one evening and I didn’t see him or even know what was going on for 16 hours straight. I got overwhelmed by papers and schoolwork. And then, things got real for a lot of people.

If you’re reading this and the time frame is not April-June 2020 or you have no idea what I am talking about or you’re looking back on what you know I am about to say, congratulations. You survived the pandemic of March, 2020. Towards the beginning of the month, news of a virus was spread. COVID-19 or, Corona. Not many Americans worried about because it took place mainly in European countries. But then just like news of it’s arrival, the virus spread like a wildfire. Before we knew it we were in a pandemic and in the blink of an eye the world just stopped. Governors closed down schools, stores and restaurants closed, people lost their jobs. Not long after many states were ordered to stay at home. At this point it seems that COVID-19 has affected nearly everyone in the world in some way.

Never did I think I’d see the day where I actually had to worry about food or money or what I was going to do in my house for 30 days. Currently I’m bored out of my mind, stressed like crazy, kinda lonely, and it sucks. It really does. But if you know me, you know that’s not where this is going 😉

Life has a way of hitting us harder than we think we can handle. One minute everything is normal and the next the vast majority are filing for unemployment and afraid to step outside their homes. But strife has a way of showing us what really matters in life.

I know you’ve all heard plenty of sappy quotes about how this virus isn’t that bad so I’m not gonna try to convince you. It’s bad. People are dying, some are watching those they care about die, others don’t know how they are going to put food on the table… I’m not making light of the situation. But as hard as it is waiting and not knowing, because believe me I know it is, I also know that this won’t last forever. Someday soon we’ll all be getting back to our normal lives like nothing ever happened. But maybe try to appreciate this little time we get to just ‘be’ in the world. I know we’re all worried but the Bible says we’re not promised tomorrow. And I know I just said someday this will be over but we’re also not promised that day. So while I don’t want you to think we’ll never see the end of this virus, I also don’t want you to miss out on the good things it can bring.

This past month I’ve honed my sewing skills, learned to cherish moments with my family more, learned to cook (sort of), reconnected with old friends, and felt the presence of God immensely. Maybe you’ve done similar things like taken up a new hobby, spent time with your loved ones, taken a walk outside, the list goes on. This virus has been and still is a test of faith. It’s a season of waiting and praying and struggling to trust God has a purpose for this crisis and a plan for its end. But if there’s anything I’ve learned these past few weeks its that God never abandons his children. He has been here in every aspect of this crisis if we just knew where to look. Grocery stores have stayed open, presidents have made financial promises, has anyone noticed the amount of commercials on TV that talk about how they want to help or stopped to appreciate the beautiful weather we’ve had lately? You may not be religious but you can still be aware of these things and appreciate them.

Soon enough we may not have as much of an opportunity to enjoy family time, or read a book, or take a nap! And I know you’ve heard stuff like that before but it’s true. God has given us a test of faith yes, but what if the test is not only to trust him during the storm, but to find the light in it because I promise you it’s there. We just have to look.

So I urge you today to yes be careful, stay healthy, stay home, but also try to enjoy the opportunities within the comfort of your own home. Appreciate this time of rest and above all, be patient. I know we all just want peace but to get it, we have to be patient. After all, “good things come to those who wait.”

Thanks for reading!

Today at church I learned about the importance of living holy. It was kind of a strange and confusing subject because people nowadays associate “holy” as “perfect.” That’s probably why some people don’t like christians or why they think we couldn’t possibly understand trials or temptation. The mindset seems to be “what do you know? Your life is perfect.” And I think I started believing that. Not that my life was perfect, but that in order to be a good steward of Christ, I have to be perfect. Believe me I know I’m not, but I’ve lived my life thinking I had to be, or that I had to try to be.

One big thing I struggle with is confidence. I never wanted to appear cocky so I brought myself down a lot. Still do sometimes. I also tend to compare myself to others. I look around me and am often ashamed of the sins I’ve committed thinking some rank higher than others. I look at the people in my family and wish I could be as strong in my faith as they are. And sometimes I forget that they too have things they’re not proud of. Their own list of sins and fears. No sin in worst or better than another and that’s really important to remember. God loves everyone regardless of what they’ve done and he doesn’t judge based off our views of sin. Sin is sin in God’s eyes. No ranking.

It’s also important to remember that no one is perfect. It sounds cliche but trying to live up to perfection is a real issue that I’m sure people besides myself struggle with. Especially christians. The world has distorted the idea of living holy and clean for God into living and being perfect. So when the pastor told me and the rest of the congregation to live in holiness, I was ashamed because I thought my sins prevented me from ever living up to that standard. What’s even worse is that I thought that standard was practically perfection. And coming to the conclusion, as often as I did, that I am far from perfect was hard. I felt like a disappointment to God, but mainly to myself. My whole life people have looked at me as the rule follower, the goody-goody christian, the girl who’s probably got it all figured out. Well, newsflash; I don’t. And that’s ok!

I’ve got to stop beating myself up every time I fail and stop comparing myself to other’s because being holy does NOT mean being perfect. No. I learned that being holy means consecration. To separate ourselves from sin in order to receive a waterfall of blessings from God. When we acknowledge that what we are doing is wrong, and we repent to God, you’re separating yourself so you can receive manifestation from God (Carlos Rodriguez). And yes we are going to mess up again maybe in the same area. But if we go to God, it’s bound to get better. God payed the price for our sins-past, present, and future- when he died on the cross. There is no condemnation for sin now, IF we acknowledge our sins and repent. If we don’t, than we haven’t truly been saved by the holy spirit.

I know that was a lot all at once but heres my main point: Holiness is NOT perfection. It’s not going though life assuming everything you do has to be right because if it’s not you’re either going to hell, or God is going to be very upset with you. Or both. Holiness isn’t constantly comparing yourself to someone you think is perfect and throwing a fit because you’re not. Some people are going to have certain things figured out that you’re still learning. They may not appear to be going through a tough season right now but that doesn’t mean they haven’t. Or that they won’t. You wanna know what holiness IS? It’s living a life of consecration. It’s knowing where we mess up and trying to make it better. It’s checking ourselves every now and then to see where we’re messing up and what needs to change. We are going to make mistakes and we are going to fail. But, as hard as it is to accept, those mistakes don’t define us. God has forgiven us so the next step is to forgive ourselves and continue striving to live a life that glorifies God.

Romans 3:10 says “as it is written: ‘no one is righteous. no, not one” (English Standard Version). But, Romans 3: 22-25 says the following: “This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by grace through redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (New International Version).

“Consecration is key to living a life of holiness” (My awesome pastor: Carlos Rodriguez).