Out of Hiding, Into Love

Before I begin I would just like to give you a heads up that this is a much more personal entry then what I normally post. It wasn’t easy for me to make this public but I feel like God could use to help someone who may be going through something similar.

For a sometime now I’ve been really concerned that I couldn’t feel God the way I used to. There was a time in my life where I felt so full of his Holy Spirit I couldn’t stop smiling. But that time was short and satan knocked me down telling me it wasn’t real. And he’s been doing that a lot lately. I’ve really been trying to focus on and grow my relationship with God because I’m learning that he has to be enough for me before he can give me the things that I want like a boyfriend or a great group of friends or even my job back. And I felt like he would be enough for me if I could just feel him the way I used to feel him. If I could just see him in the little things like when I’d walk to class and admire the scenery. If I could hear him like I did when I was in church praying. I missed that and for the life of me could not figure out why or how I’d lost it.

Now the next line should probably be “turns out I didn’t lose it” but I think I’m going to take a different approach. I didn’t lose God or our relationship, but I did lose the closeness of our connection for a little while. The last few nights I’ve been begging God to manifest himself in me the way he did before. Before what? Before I got caught up in my sinful ways. Before the world stopped, before the corona virus. Before everything changed.

During those nights I knew God was there but I wasn’t getting the experience I was looking for. So I thought maybe God wanted me to experience him in a new way. And I think I kind of did. I was doing my devotional on my bible app and the author wrote about how sometimes we forget that God is Immanuel, meaning God with us. Meaning God with us all the time. He’s with us in the big stuff and the little stuff. Whether it’s washing dishes, doing homework, working out, he’s there. And reading that completely changed my perspective. I was trying so hard to experience God in this big supernatural way but I couldn’t even experience him in the small stuff.

I also learned that God is there in the times we mess up and don’t want anyone to see or know. When we’re doing what we know is wrong God is there, trying to get us to turn away from our sin. He sees the messy and the broken and the shameful parts of our life and is there through them all.

I realized in that moment that I have been trying to shield a dark part of my heart and life from God subconsciously. I didn’t know I was doing it, but I was. I’m ashamed of my past and my mistakes and felt like God would be disappointed if I let him into that part of my heart. I know he knew about it already and stuff but opening up to him about it was hard for me because it required me getting over my guilt and shame. Stay with me I know that part was a little confusing but what I’m trying to say is that God doesn’t care how broken or messed up we are. He wants to help us no matter what. It sounds cliche but I’ve found that many of the things we find to be cliche about God are actually really true and powerful. When I read that devotional I was comforted by the fact that God was there even when I was at my worst. He saw me screw up and he’ll see me do it again. He knew about our mistakes before we did and he wants to use them to bring us closer to him. When we feel ashamed and guilty and unworthy God is not up in heaven shaking his head thinking about how terrible we are. He’s waiting for us to come to him and let him heal us.

I can’t hide that part of my life from God because he already knows about it. But I also can’t hide it because the only way I’m going to get past it is to let God in and let him help me. And it sounds crazy but I feel like I was praying so hard those nights I couldn’t feel God because I wanted him to break down the wall I put around that section of my heart. But the minute I realized he was there and that he saw it all and isn’t mad or disappointed, that wall instantly fell and I felt God. Like really felt him.

That was a lot so let me sum it up a little for you. First, if you want to experience God in a big way you have to be able to experience him in a little way. And second, you don’t have to hide from God. He sees you at your worst and he loves you at your worst and when you realize and accept that, you’ll get that feeling you’ve been longing for. Here’s a final thought I’ll leave you with: whether you’re feeling ashamed, guilty, sad or hurt, the hardest seasons usually produce the biggest breakthroughs.

Thanks for reading!!